turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
