google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
