omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
