FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
