I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
