Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
