Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
