well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
