My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
