I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
