i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
