True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
