What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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