Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
