I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
