Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
