Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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