Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
