i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
