So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
