I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
