im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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