I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
