Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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