I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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