i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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