you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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