I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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