I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
