like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
