I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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