2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
