The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
