If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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