dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
