i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
