I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
