i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
