Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
