First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
