I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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