Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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