i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
