Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
