I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
