drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
