OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
