Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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