just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
