She is in my trunk
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
