Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
